Absence Of Air
by twent47blue
Summary: What do you do when you think you find the right one? Would you let them go or keep holding on? I know this is not my best, but I hope you guys enjoy it, am still having my writer's block. Hope I get past this slump.


I want to tell you that I was born to meet you. That during that time in my life, I believe that love like fate was the only thing true, that love only comes once in your lifetime. I thought you missed your chance, and it was never going to find you again.

**Destiny is what you make…. I made you mine.**

**You're my hand…**

**My sight…**

**My voice…**

**My fate…**

**My heart….**

**My destiny.**

When I was in high school, we have a school project that we write our troops during the war to give them support. But I got carried away, instead of telling the soldier that I was just a student and still in high school, I lied to him and told him that I was a teacher. I never realized that the war would end and I would get to meet him.

I arrived at the bus station, but I was already late and he already got on the bus before I got the chance to meet him. I rode my bike, determined to catch up with him. He probably saw me and knew that I was lying all along. After years of letter writing to him, getting to know more about Lieutenant Tetsuya Niwa, the letters stopped and I never heard anything from him again.

I dropped out of high school, much to the disappointment of my grandfather whom the only family I have left. I wanted to concentrate on being an artist, but he insisted that since I'm going to be a bum, I'm going to help out in his bookstore which was our source of livelihood. He was so much against my being an artist. But he never kicked me out, even though I reached the age that I can live on my own.

######################

It was winter when I met you again. A few more weeks before Christmas. The day that me was born. I was a nobody then, just going through life like any normal person struggling to exist for someone. Yet that time I didn't have anyone.

I was sketching by the window when a flapping of wings distracted me, it was a pigeon, and it has gotten caught in one of the branches of a tree that were hanging by my window. I was going to ignore it knowing it will untangle itself and fly away. But I couldn't ignore the flapping of its wings, it couldn't get out of the tangled branches. I put the charcoal pencil down and carefully climbed out of the window and rescued the poor thing. I brought it safely back to my room. The branch had tore off its wing the reason why it couldn't fly anymore.

"You poor thing, how did you end in this mess, you should be like other birds flying off to somewhere warmer for the winter." I said to it as I carefully laid it on my desk.

It cooed back at me, as if replying its thanks and giving me its the reason why he was late in his flight. There was something attached to its leg, a small cylindrical tube, with a paper inside. I unwrapped it and read it. Not realizing that I'm violating someone's privacy for reading someone else's letter.

_"…. It's been a long time since I wrote you. It feels strange and new writing to you again. I'm going to go where you tell me to go._

_The park that you would visit, it feels like we'll bump into each other again if I go there. I'm back, after such a long time. I needed to find myself, and my feet keep leading me back here. So, I'm back. And hopefully this time I'm right on time…."_

I must have read and opened and put back that note a hundred times over before I cut out a piece of small paper and decided to reply to the writer of this small note.

_"…. If you start talking to yourself, you might get a shock of your life when you get a reply from the other person, and it would feel like that the person is just right there next to you…."_

How could I have known, that you are back in town. That the ex soldier that I have wrote and missed meeting would be the author of this lonely note.

The next day, I tried finding a pet shop or a vet that I could take the injured bird, but the attendant wasn't there and I was asked to come back. On my way home, a small dog kept following me around, so I decided to take it home with me, I bathe and fed it. Grandpa was a little pissed saying that his bookstore is turned into an animal shelter for the street animals.

I was at the park doing some sketching. I saw a man feeding some pigeons, he was sitting there amidst the white and gray wings, the picture he made was perfect. I saw him crouching down and got one of the injured pigeon. And took it home with him, I was about to call to him and ask him if he knew where I could take the injured pigeon I have at home. But before I could gather my things and run after him, he was already long gone.

A few days passed, the injured bird began to flap its wings, so I knew that somehow that it's well again and could fly. The master was probably worried sick and wondered what had happened to its bird. I put my note inside the cylindrical tube and attached a blue scarf on its leg.

"Here you go, hurry home. This is my gift to you, I hope I would get to see you again." I said, and took out it by the window sill and let it fly out into the cool afternoon air.

The small puppy whimpered and clambered up my lap, "Oh, hey there Momo. What's up?" I gathered the dog in my arms. I need to get him to the vet and get him shots. We both watch the bird in flight.

"I wish to see that pigeon again, Momo." I said. Just once a day I wish something nice would happen, like when that white pigeon flew into my life.

When I was alone, there was a person who helped me. That was Tesuya, he was pretty nice and pretty cool in his letters, like a big brother I never had, until it developed into something more. I looked forward each day for those letters. Probably until he realized I lied to him and he stopped writing.

_"… I wish I could be someone that would help you. I wish I could be someone stronger and you can depend on._

_Will the pigeon come back again?..."_

_"…..If it does fly back, will you reply then?..."_

I felt like it was like before when I was writing back and forth with my soldier friend. Only this time the letters are quicker and express delivery by the pigeon that I grew attached to. I was curious to know who the owner was, but I let it be for awhile, just looking forward to each note that flies my way.

Tesuya's brother came to the pet clinic. He was surprised to see his brother drunk and was sleeping on the couch. He had dark circles around his eyes, and a five o'clock shadow on his face. The place was a mess.

"There was a young man who came and wanted to get shots for his dog but I asked him to come back when the vet is back, too embarrassed to point out that the vet is right there, looking like a bum instead of a licensed doctor." Naoya said, sarcastically, knowing his brother is pretending to be asleep but was actually listening.

When Tetsuya woke from the noise he was surprised to see his brother there. "Oh, Naoya. I didn't know you were here." He greeted, as he got up, scratching his unruly hair.

"I financed your clinic here because you told me you would change, that you got tired of doing your practice in the city and decided to try it out here but, look at you. Even the dogs in those cages look cleaner than you!" Naoya said, pissed off, as he picked the garbage and trash that was lying all over the back room.

Tetsuya sat there. "Hey, Naoya. You think I would get to see Tamaki again?" He asked with a sad smile.

Naoya stopped what he was doing and looked at his brother. "Are you crazy? I told you that the subject is taboo. Now go take a shower and clean up, there were clients who came in but you were sleeping so I told them to come back." He said, picking up the garbage again to throw out.

Tetsuya still sat there, "If only he would appear in my dreams. Or if I could see him in my drunken state. Just once, I want to see him again." He said, playing with a ring on his ring finger.

"Well, you won't so you better get on with your life. Past is past, there is no point in trying to get it undone, what's done is done, there's no way of changing what you did and what you didn't do back then. The dead will never join the living." Naoya said.

I brought Momo to the clinic again, and there was the man who was feeding the pigeons in the park.

"Hi. Nice to see you again." I greeted with a shy smile.

The older man looked at me, "Do I know you?" He asked, scratching his head.

"Oh, I saw you at the park, I was sketching and you were feeding the birds. There was a man here earlier, told me to come back so that I can get shots for my dog. His name is Momo, I'm Naoe." I said, beaming at him.

The older man took Momo from me, "Hey there, Momo. Let's see if we could give you some shots." He said, smiling at me, his hands were gentle as he scooped the dog in his hands.

_"….."It would be nice if you actually receive this letter. You probably don't know but I did some stupid things for awhile._

_One morning, I started winding the clocks back to the time the day you died. By the time I was done, the sun had gone down._

_Afterwards, I looked at my finger, and it was bleeding. You're talking and answering me but I'm starting to forget your face….."_

"What have I done to your master?" I asked the pigeon after reading the note that was brought by the carrier pigeon.

_"…..I'm sorry. I didn't mean to read it. I think you're used to being alone like me. I just want to tell you something…"_

And before I could finish the note, I heard a thud from the downstairs, I hurried put the note in the pigeon and let it out. I run downstairs to find my grandpa slumped on the floor.

_"…. Maybe it's all because of this scarf. I'll return it to you. There was a person who was special to me. And he gave me the same scarf once._

_Isn't it interesting to have the same type of scarf, and same color? Thank you for the brief happiness you gave me._

_I'm sending this back as a token of my appreciation, I think I'll go on a long trip. Good bye. Oh, by the way, my name is Tetsuya…."_

"Tet-suya…." I uttered under my breath and rushed to the footlocker at the foot of my bed and got the box full of memories, and checked my soldier's name, Tetsuya Niwa, it was the same name. But I don't know where he is now. And I wasn't sure if it was the same Tetsuya.

I tied a string attached to a ball of string to the pigeon's leg, grandpa was sitting outside, recovering from his fainting spells. I handed him the ball of yarn.

"Grandpa! Hold on to the other end, and don't let go until it started pulling." I said, rushing after the pigeon as it flies back to its master.

"Naoe! Get back here, where are you going? Who's going to mind the store?" He called after me.

"I'll be back grandpa!" I shouted back as I sprinted trying to keep up with the pigeon in flight, the red string floating over it with the absence of air, it trails almost touching the concrete floor.

My heart was pounding as I followed the bird in flight, I somehow had a feeling I knew where the bird was going to lead me. I almost bumped into the vet holding the pigeon with a piece of red string trailing behind it.

"Naoe, where are you going in such a rush?" He asked.

"Oh, it's you. I was rushing to meet someone, I guess I was too late." I said, hiding my excitement to finally recognize that the vet and the soldier are one person.

"Would you like to come in? " He asked, opening the door to the clinic, the pigeon minus the red string from its leg, cradled gently in his arm.

I nodded, still a little breathless. I walked into the clinic and saw boxes.

"Oh, are you going somewhere?" I asked, my heart thumping in my chest.

"Yes, I'm going back to the city for awhile." He said.

My head snapped back in attention and look at him, "Are you coming back?" I asked, hopefully.

"Maybe. Maybe not." He said.

He patted the space next to him, as he grabbed a couple of beers from his mini fridge, "You're old enough to drink, right?" He asked, as I nodded, he tossed me a can.

"Well, since you're my only friend in town, let's do a farewell party." He said, as he opened his can of beer.

We started talking, awkward at first, then finally we got to warm up and be a little friendly. Then he told me his name, which I confirmed that he really is the same soldier back then.

"Are you originally from this town, Tetsuya?" I asked, curiously.

He smiled sadly, "No, but my lover was from around here. He had been convincing me to move my practice here so that we can open a clinic together, he was my classmate back in college. But I was so wrapped up in my own world back then that I took him for granted. Until we lost touch. But on the day of my birthday, I got a call from Tamaki and wanting me to go to his favorite park in town, he said he got a surprise for me, " he said, he had that melancholy look on his face.

I listened intently, wanting to hold him and tell him that I would be there for him. But I just sat there and listened to him tell a very heart rendering tale of his lost love.

"My brother Naoya got there with a cage, and a pigeon inside, there was a blue scarf tied to it," he said, and glanced to the pigeon who is still in the same cage it came from.

"I even forgot that it was my birthday, my lover was rushing from the other side of town where he got the pair of white pigeons, he gave me the male, he was coming with the female. They say animals never leave their mates. I waited and waited, it rained, and it was already late in the afternoon, Naoya tried calling Tamaki, but Tamaki wouldn't answer. I guess, he didn't see the guy in the motorbike and he tried to avoid it and he ends up skidding on the guard railing, he never made it to the hospital." He said.

I gasped and saw the pained look on his face, I leaned closer to him, with tears streaming down my face, I kissed him. It was my first kiss, a little clumsy but Tetsuya replied to it with his own warmth, his kiss was needy as the same as the arms that wrapped around me. As if he was drowning, and panting, gasping for breathe from the lack of air. I held him, in my smaller frame, I held him, and let him lean on me for support.

When we broke up with a silent agreement, we both didn't say anything. And continued talking and drinking like nothing happened.

"I know someone here once, when I was in the army, there was someone who wrote me. How old are you, Naoe?" He asked, smiling, glancing at me.

"Twenty." I replied.

"Yep, he is probably at that age by now. I don't know if he still remembers me or if he still in this city. I lost track and don't know his address. He is probably a very cute kid back then. He was trying to be more grown up, he said he was a teacher, but I know he was lying." He said, with a chuckle.

"You know all along he was lying to you? Did you meet him?" I asked.

"No, I waited but he didn't show up. Oh, he's cute, I could tell from his childish letters that he was trying to be more grown up. But I liked writing to him, his letters cheered me, and they were my salvation and my comfort back then. You think he would still remember me?" He asked, grinning like a bashful school boy.

I smiled warmly, "Of course! He probably treasured those memories and probably still think of you now and then." I said, patting his shoulder.

Tetsuya was probably a light weight, and he fell asleep first. I know he was leaving the next day. He told me so. I watched him and drew him for the last time. I leaned forward and kissed him, "I hope I get to see you again. I wish even for the last time, this would happen that we would meet again and this time, I won't let you go." I said to his sleeping form. I left the sketch before I head back to my house.

I found a job in town, I began working in an art gallery and learned the trade. I never saw Tetsuya again. So I lost him, the second time. I was a little angry at him for treating me like a kid. So I strive harder to make myself better. I wanted to look for him, go in the city and find him. But that would be childish. So while he's gone, I will grow up. I wanted to be the me again that he liked and wrote to. I wanted to replace Tamaki in his heart. I wanted to take away the pain and replace them with love. I want to be everything he ever wanted, if he needed to cling to me for awhile, I would let him. I would be stronger and be more mature.

The curator of the art gallery where I work said I have talent. He helped me develop my craft. After two years, I came out with my own children's book. My grandfather was so proud to sell my own book in his store. It was mostly a story of how I met my soldier friend.

Naoya sent a copy of that book to Tetsuya. With a note saying,

_"… It's time to let go of the past, so there would be room for the future…."_

As time goes by, we miss people less yet the loneliness stays forever. Many people leaving means there are more people to miss.

I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. Why do I need to quit being who I am for you to see me? I simply don't see why the need for me to be someone older for you to take me seriously. I cannot imagine a life if I'm not me. Yet, Tetsuya, the one that caught your eye back then was the me who I am now. The one who stayed with you, beside you and is in love with you is the same me that met you.

Other than the me now who is a little older, there's no need for you to have any other identity of me, because the boy who wrote you those childish letters, the boy who wrote to you through carrier pigeon are all facets of the same person who you met and kissed back then.

When we were writing to each other back and forth, and even through the pigeon post, I feel as though you are a part of me, the same way I was a part of you. Your every being is synchronized with mine. You're not just a part, you're my everything. If I lose everything, then it's over. Either you love all of me, or nothing, that's all there is for me. I wouldn't take it either way, Tetsuya. If you wanted to keep loving a ghost forever, that's your choice. But I'm alive, and here, all you have to do is glance my way, and you can feel me, hold me, talk to me and I will respond, I will hold you back and reply to you. I may never love you forever, or love you as he loves you, but I will love you my way.

Winter is here again, the air is colder. It would be five years from now when I started writing Tetsuya. I sighed. And started packing. I planned to go away for awhile. Go to Paris and pursue my art. Maybe I would come back here someday. But I finally gave up on wishing. Wishing is for kids. It's what you tell them, so that they will grow up. A flapping of wings distracted me, there were scratching from the window, I opened the blinds and there is that familiar white pigeon, with a white scarf attached to its leg.

_"…. Which part of your heart I'm staying in now, Naoe? Because I want to occupy most of it. Because I have come in my future, I hope I'm not too late and he got tired of waiting for me to wake up._

_I had traveled long and far, and finally found the me that I have lost. I hope you still want this old man…. From now on and until forever I want to see your face the moment I wake up…."_

I was about to close the shutters when I looked down there was Tetsuya with another pigeon in his arm, looking up to me. I rushed downstairs and run to his arm, clutching the other pigeon in my arm.

"Did you know that animals like humans never leave their mate, even if they die? I set free that bird who lost its mate. This pair would stay on forever until they grow old and die. May be one would lose the other, maybe one who goes ahead first and leave, but no matter where they end up, even if they are alone. The love would live on in their hearts. Can I live in yours?" Tetsuya asked.

I flung my arms around him, "Of course! I thought you would never ask." I said, as tears started to flow down my face.

I thought I would never have this love again. I thought I would never have you again. That this empty space inside of me would never be filled. But you came back, and you filled that emptiness that I had been feeling, you have accepted all the me's that you met and would be meeting. I don't lack air anymore, for you would be there to surround me so I can breathe in love. In this lifetime and hopefully the next, there would be no other love I would want to have but this… but you.


End file.
